Love Hurts

Someone very special to me gave birth to their first child today.

When she first shared the news, I was over the moon excited.  I think she was still in shock, the excitement settling in gradually over the next few days.  At that time, Emery was just 2 months old.  Having just fought the battle of pregnancy and child birth, myself I was so thrilled that another little human would be entering this world.

I was blessed to spend lots of time with my sweet friend over the course of her pregnancy.  I got to see the physical and emotional changes in her as she prepared to become a mama for the first time.  As her belly began to grow more and more, I began feeling these unfamiliar pangs of emotion each time we were together and often when I thought about and prayed for her, her husband, and her tiny baby.  Sometimes these pangs would cause me to well up with tears, sometimes they would cause adrenaline to pump so fast causing my heart to pound and my hands to shake.  There were times that I felt like I could just burst with the overwhelming unnamable emotion I was feeling.

I pondered these feelings all the time.  I was excited for her.  So excited.  I was scared for her too, recalling the torturous anxiety I experienced throughout my pregnancy.  I felt a bittersweet longing for the feeling of Emery rolling in my belly, knowing that I was the only person experiencing her this way and that we were already forming our bond long before she met the rest of the world.  Honestly, I considered other options too... was I jealous that she was experiencing all of those sensations I was longing for again?  No, I have my angel and pray that we will have another one when the time is right... which is not now.  Was a worried that our friendship would change, that it would become even more difficult to spend quality time together with 2 babies to care for?  No, I have realized that sometimes this is a natural, but usually temporary result of being a mama.

But what was this feeling?  It wasn't excitement, it wasn't fear, it wasn't longing.  It was something so intense and complicated for me that it took until yesterday when her water broke at work, she headed to the hospital and I laid down in bed and realized the very strong likelihood that when I woke up in the morning that precious little girl would be here and the tears came and the adrenaline came and it hit me... this feeling is love.

It is love for my friend who was, at that very moment enduring the most physically, mentally, and emotionally difficult thing she would ever experience.  Whose hard work would result in the ultimate reward but who couldn't possibly even comprehend how good that reward would feel until she held her in her arms the first time.  It is love for my friend who I knew would have countless sleepless nights ahead of her.  Who I knew would probably have to rally every last ounce of strength and energy to get through the difficult period of having a newborn for the first time.  Who I knew was about to have her heart cracked wide open to make room for this huge, tremendous love that will change her forever.

It is love for her daughter, who I have been eagerly anticipating for the last 9.5 months as well.  Love for the little girl that I have seen growing in her mama's belly, that we have all been waiting for.  Love for the sweet baby that I will undoubtedly get to snuggle, and love, and hold, and babysit, and watch grow up.

It is love for my daughter, who altered my entire universe in a way that can never be reversed.  The tiniest human I ever held, weighing just 4 lb, 2 oz when we took her home from the hospital.  My daughter, who made me a mama and first introduced me to this love so big that it hurts.  It physically hurts to love like this.  It hurts in a way that makes my heart race, makes me catch my breath, causes a massive lump in my throat and more often than not, makes me cry tears of overwhelming, indescribable joy.  It hurts but it hurts so good.  The best kind of joyous hurt I could ever dream of.