The Wonders

Half-way there and TLO is making her presence known... most notably by taking over my physique and a tiny space in our house.  I'm starting to get a few more "are you expecting?" types of questions/comments from people who have noticed but aren't sure (My favorite: "congratulations on your life change!" genius and so PC).  My belly has definitely popped and there's no denying it at this point.  And I loooove it!

I've been very blessed with a basically symptom-free pregnancy, so far.  If it weren't for outgrowing my jeans, I don't think I would even notice that I'm pregnant.  I had a few days of queasiness early on, but no real morning sickness at all.  The first BIG milestone that we hit was being given a due date at my first ultrasound (7 weeks).  With baby #1, we didn't have enough information initially and lost the baby before being given an official due date.  After 8 weeks, I did have some pretty major fatigue that knocked me off my feet for a few weeks but I had also just started a new job, working with children for 10.5 hours a day, 4 days a week.  I'd bet the fatigue was a result of multiple factors working against each other.  By week 16, I was feeling pretty much like my usual self.  Around that time, I started feeling little swishing, fluttering sensations low down in my belly.  I wasn't sure until week 17 when the swishing started to be followed by a tap-tap-tap that I was feeling TLO move.  I made my first maternity clothing purchase at week 17 (long-sleeved T-shirts), because I was starting to feel really yucky in my regular clothes.  The prevailing "pregnancy" symptom that I had during the first 4 months... especially up until I started feeling movement was ANXIETY.   My lack of symptoms had me constantly questioning whether the baby was healthy and growing the way it should be.  My job had me constantly running through the different levels of devastation if lab work or a screening revealed a problem.  I think I was trying to prepare my heart and mind for the worst and relied primarily on google and my own reasoning during this time.  Cognitively, I knew that I had lost hold of the thread that got me through my miscarriage and wasn't living up to my own belief in giving it all to God and trusting that His plan was favorable for us, whether we understood it or not. Each time I would convince myself that I needed to have faith in all the things that I was praying for, this quote by C.S. Lewis would creep into my mind and implant itself somewhere that I couldn't ignore:

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

It was so toxic for me to run in circles of stress, anxiety, and guilt over my questionable faith.  There were lots of uncomfortable conversations and prayers

When I woke up bleeding at the end of my 18th week, that questionable faith was tested.  Nothing hits you harder than when your immediate thought is "I knew something like this would happen" and in your next breath, you start furious prayers of begging and bargaining.  I needed to refocus and remember that the Lord got me through my lowest point and for the last 18 weeks he had done nothing but show up time after time.  For the first time, I was able to view my symptom-free pregnancy as a blessing... maybe I was just being given a free pass on this one, maybe I had been through enough for a while.  Laying in the hospital waiting on the ultrasound, I decided that it was time to grab hold of the blessing I'd been given and hold on like hell.  Turns out, baby girl was just fine and healthy.  I still don't know what caused me to bleed that day, but after one trip to the ER and a few days on "bed rest" until the bleeding stopped, I've learned my lesson.  Game changer. 

If the first half of my pregnancy could be described in a phrase it would be "the worries," now into the second half (23 weeks!), the best way to sum it up is "the wonders."  Every single day I am reminded of how "wondrous" and "wonderful" all of this is.  Here are a few of my most recent wonders...

• I wonder how much longer my belly button will hang on (its "closed" as Tory would describe it... aka completely flattened out)
• I wonder who she will look like. 
• I wonder what her interests will be and what she will like
• I wonder how the heck we would ever choose a car seat without the Baby Bargains Book
• And how on Earth would I be getting through this without my fellow mama friends cheering me on and answering all of my silly little questions at all hours of the day?
• I wonder if I should eat this (answer: yes!)
• I wonder what the heck she is doing in there... gymnastics?  tap dancing?
• And what limb or body part is that?
• And WHEN WILL TORY BE ABLE TO FEEL THIS TOO?
• I wonder what we'll name her  
• I wonder if I will ever sleep through the night again... (hello hunger and smushed bladder)
• I wonder if I will miss all of this once she is here. 
• And when exactly will she be here, and how will she get here, and WHAT'S THAT GOING TO BE LIKE?
• I wonder what other weird things are going to make me cry today (more on this later...)
• I wonder how much more my skin can possibly stretch (if you know the answer to this, I'd rather just be left in the dark at this point...)

Which brings me to my next point... 

About these selfies... Let me just tell you... I am intensely anti-selfie.  I just can not figure out how to make myself look reasonably attractive, dead-on, from arm's length away.  But when my jeans started feeling a little snug, I figured I should go ahead and put my ego aside and try to pick one day a week to wash my hair and slap on some makeup to document the weekly changes occurring with my belly... now 9 weeks later, I am so glad I've been doing this!  Each week I get a kick out of looking back and thinking about how silly I was at week 14 when a tiniest hint of a bump (bloat, probably) was noticeable in my gym spandex.  I am sure 20 weeks from now I will have a big laugh over my mini bump at this time.  

  

If anyone is curious about the furry big sister... Lucille's life goes on as usual.  As far as she is concerned, she is top dog (see what I did there?).  She has become my little shadow since my work schedule has changed and we are spending a lot more time together Friday-Sunday.  People keep telling us, she's going to have trouble being demoted once TLO comes home, but I doubt it.  She's never met a kid or adult that she didn't like and is curious about everything new.  She hasn't been around babies, but on the occasion that a toddler has been too much for her in the past, she just retreats to a safe place and waits until they settle down.   She's a pretty secure and adaptable pup and is still sweet and snuggly as ever (taken as I typed this):

On having a daughter...

The verdict is in... TLO is a girl and her Mama and Daddy are so unbelievably thrilled and terrified.  I had a hunch from very early on that she was a girl.  I waffled back and forth a little bit but I was fairly certain that a little lady would be joining our ranks.   Tory was pulling hard for team blue for the first few months but ended up switching to pink in the weeks leading up to our anatomy scan as well.

What's most important is that our little lady is healthy and doing great.  She is a bit on the petite side, so it seems that The Little One is quite the appropriate nickname for her.  T thinks its because she is constantly on her fitness game in there.  This little girl parties day and night in my belly and does. not. quit.  Which is a ongoing and amazing reminder of the tiny life we will welcome in a few months.

When we recieved the news, a strange and unidentifiable emotion came over me.  Even though I just knew she was a girl, there is something mind-boggling about having your suspicions confirmed in such a big way.  Tory was visibly excited and immediately began chattering on about how glad he was that she was healthy and how he was ready to protect her from everything in the entire world.  I felt myself getting noticeably quieter as I felt the weight of the responsibility that was now officially mine find its place on my shoulders.  It was a heart-stopping mix of joy and terror.

Raising a child is unquestionably the most terrifying thing most of us will do in our entire lives, whether we're raising boys, girls, or both.  The fact that God somehow sees me fit after 28 years on this Earth to birth and raise one of His little souls blows. my. mind...

So obviously, I immediately raced through her entire future: her first words, first steps, first day of school, going to college, starting a career, getting married, and having children of her own.  And now it is my job to prepare her to accomplish all of these milestones with confidence, grace, and dignity.  Girls are complex little creatures with acutely specific emotions and insecurities.  It's a big job to raise a strong, independent, and confident child and I am both honored and baffled that I have been given this responsibility.

I have been blessed because I know that this responsibility is not solely my own.  I've known since long before we were married that Tory would be an exceptional Dad but I know there is a very specific reason that we have been blessed with a little girl.  One of the things I love most about him is how in-tune he is with all of the women in his life.  He is sensitive to subtle changes in moods and is perceptive to understated expressions of emotion.  I can see that he carefully assesses complex behavior and is exceptionally good at pinpointing a root cause for something that on the surface appears to be something a small annoyance.  He is delicate and intuitive in his communication with others- especially emotional women.  He is also an excellent source of encouragement and I have no doubt that this little girl will be built up to be fearless and sassy.  He is well-suited to raise a daughter with gentle kindness, patience, and understanding.  Did I mention that he is brilliant, strong, and masculine as well?  He's my hero and I know he'll be hers too.

So, here begins the thrilling and complex road to raising a daughter.  Are we overjoyed?  Of course!  Am I terrified?  Absolutely.  It is my hope that we will model each day how to live with dignity and confidence, how to be nurturing and loving, and how to conquer the world with an unstoppable boldness and bravery because she's our baby girl and she is more precious than rubies... 

We've got a secret...

Pink or blue?  Hair bows or bow ties?  Trains or tutus?  We know... but we aren't telling just yet!  Stay tuned next week to find out who will be joining the D Family in May.  We are so very blessed and thrilled!


But first... let me take a selfie.*

*I am intensely anti-selfie; however, I have begun taking weekly bump pictures for my own enjoyment and documentation.  Please reserve all judgment... and if you have some magical selfie tricks to make me look respectable without my phone blocking half of my face in the mirror, or dead-on from arms' length away, feel free to share.

New Year, New Blog

Happy New Year, friends!

2014 was a bittersweet year for us.  We kicked it off in NYC for New Years with great friends,  survived a very snowy winter that lasted until March, and celebrated 3 years of happily wedded bliss when spring finally came. We watched my little sister graduate with her BFA and celebrated her accomplishments with family and friends over the summer.  We started and finished our first DIY home project- tiling our basement floor- and celebrated our nation's birthday back in NYC.  We vacationed and drank wine in San Francisco and Napa, California followed almost immediately by another restful vacation with family in the outer banks.  We celebrated loving unions of many friends and I took my first sailboat ride.  The fall brought me a new, exciting, and challenging job and one of the most joyous discoveries of our lives so far... becoming pregnant with with our newest addition to come, TLO (The Little One).  Tory kicked butt in his first marathon and winter brought quiet holiday celebrations with family and loved ones.

Among all of the excitement, we had our share of heartache.  We lost our first baby and grieved for lost loved ones.  I battled with fear and trusting in God's plan and provision for us and worked through a lot of grief and anxiety.  Tory's patience was tried and tested.  But we came out on the other side.  I turned 28 and Tory turned 29 and life has finally slowed down a little... for now.

 Expecting a baby means expecting change, and that's where we are right now... not actively in transition but anticipating all that is to come.

I've been a disloyal blogger for the last 4 years over at my first blog, that has been sorely neglected since 2012. When active blogging wasn't working for me, I purchased a lovely, leather-bound journal to try documenting little bits of life when time was available.  But time never seemed to be available for handwritten journaling and after some time away from blogging with one, single, particularly therapeutic post I've made since 2012, I have decided that my brain does better when I have an outlet.

I am not particularly athletic or creative, but I do enjoy writing and I am assuming that all of the big transitions coming up will give me lots of material... so welcome to"The D Family Does Life."   And because I am especially cool and trendy,  the DeLongs now have an unofficial family hashtag: #theDfamilydoeslife... check it out, it's real and it's aaaallll ours (until someone else tags it).