Fear Not

I recently experienced a season of serious, SERIOUS anxiety as the third trimester of my pregnancy hit the halfway point and the imminent arrival of TLO was closer than ever.  Several weeks were a bit reminiscent of the first 3 months of my pregnancy- wrought with nerves, anxiety, and guilt.  In the first trimester, my biggest concerns were just getting through it alive- all 3 of us.  I was sure my heart couldn't take the mystery of the growing life in my belly and there was the constant nagging fear of a repeat miscarriage tugging at my heart.   But we survived the first trimester and THRIVED in the second.

The second trimester was heaven on earth.  My growing belly and the swishing, rolling, kicking baby always making herself known were so reassuring for me.  I felt amazing, fell in love with my bump and even more in love with the little girl inside.  As I mentioned before, I have just fallen more and more in love with my baby daddy and have loved looking at him through the new lens of parenthood.  He makes my heart soar.

The third trimester snuck up on me but getting to that point felt like such a huge milestone.  Many of the children that I work with were preemies or micro preemies.  It is not unusual for a child to appear on my caseload who was born at 27 weeks... so hitting that 28 week third trimester milestone meant that we had a little survivor who would more than likely live if born at any time from there on out.  Not that I am in any hurry for her to make her grand entrance,  I'm good to let our little cream puff keep baking for at least another 2-3 weeks... really she can stay in for the full 5 and hit that 40 week mark for sure... but no more than that.  Right.

Anyway.  The anxiety that I have been experiencing has actually not been related to the pain and labor of childbirth.  Somehow, I am not all that concerned about that.  I am definitely a bit nervous about all of those sensations and how painful it will be, but I think I have just accepted the fact that its going to be a challenging, painful act of endurance and am mentally preparing for it that way.  The anxiety I was experiencing has it's roots in the work that I LOVE and do everyday.  As a pediatric SLP in a medical setting I spend 10 hours a day with children with special needs- some of them very severe.  It is really hard not to project normal fears that surely most expectant mom's experience onto these little people who I spend so much time with.  I do think that because I spend so little time with typically developing children, I have developed a very skewed perception of what is typical and what is not.  When I worry about the dust all over my house or the take-out we had for dinner last night, my mind goes immediately to these children and not all of the happy, healthy children I see playing outside my front door every day.  For a while, a really felt like the world was out to get me and was just not compatible with pregnancy.  It seems like everything has the potential to kill, harm, or damage a developing baby whether it is growing on the inside or outside.  And our society seems to have become one of fear-mongering on social media and type-A control freak personalities like mine do not cope well with this notion that somehow I could always be doing something better or something that may have happened in the last 8 months could have already created permanent, irreparable damage to my sweet little girl.  So this has been the root of weeks of serious anxiety... the kind that was causing me to lose sleep at night and cry after work every day.   For weeks I struggled with this... and was completely lost to it.  Fortunately for me, I was able to talk with Tory and my mom about it and share my fears with loving friends who are moms that work in the same field that I do.  I prayed about it often but always seemed to find myself stuck in this cycle of prayer and fighting for control... which do not go hand-in-hand at all.

It was finally over Easter weekend at church that something clicked.  Our pastor was discussing the typical Easter/Resurrection fare but put a new spin on it... or maybe it wasn't a new spin at all but it came to me at just the right time.  He was talking Fear and how the Bible tells us more than almost anything else that if we have accepted the Living Christ as our savior then we really have nothing to fear at all.  In the context he was referring to, he was speaking specifically to the basic, simple fact that once we are saved as Christians there is nothing else in our worldly lives that matters anymore.  Christ overcomes the devil and all of our worldly sins-like fear and anxiety (and lack of faith)- and we can just surrender it all to Him.

Finally in my head and in my heart I was able to make another faithful leap.  If I am willing to put my faith in the Lord to save me from eternal damnation why, why, why can't I faithfully believe that the little life inside me is exactly the one that God intended for us to have?  We obviously all pray for happy, healthy, perfect children but why can't just accepting that having faith in the Lord and praying for His peace and provision be enough to give me confidence that everything is going to be ok and that I shouldn't be afraid?  Why is it so hard to be faithful, when has the Lord ever not shown up for me?

So while I HAVE been able to enjoy significant parts of this pregnancy and while I feel so blessed to have been given the gift of not just being a mother, but carrying my own child... I recognize that many weeks have been wasted in fear.  And I'm ready to stop being afraid and start focusing on all of the amazing gifts that I have been given.  It's time to just accept that doing the best I can is enough and that no one on Earth is perfect or ever will be again.  God has his hands in all things and I can sleep restfully knowing that this tiny little girl is exactly the first born child Tory and I were meant to have.  I've got 2-7 (lets keep it closer to 4-5) weeks left to enjoy this little mystery inside of me before she makes her grand appearance and I have to share her with the rest of the world.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.  John 14:27

Just a little note:  As an expectant mother, my eyes have been opened and my heart has been changed in my interactions with these children that I work with.  I have always cared for these little ones and their families but now, more than every, I am able to view them not just as a patient with problems that I am tasked with solving, but as someone's child that they love more than anything in the world and probably lose hours of sleep every night worrying over.  I have been given the blessing of being a part of their lives and journeys and it is my responsibility to treat them with the most love and care I can muster on any given day.